User blog:WikiSchm2000/The MarioMario54321 Review Marathon - Part 1

'''MM54321’s SM64 Bloopers: Mario Jumps the Castle! (August 10, 2007) [Runtime: 6:50] '''

Prelude:

So about two years ago I had the idea to jumpstart video reviews with the ‘An Honest Review’ series, and...yeah that didn’t get expanded past the first blog post. I was about to abandon the reviews as a whole until I realized that writing about them would serve as good warm-ups for writing my latest novel series, the Death Trapper Chronicles. So, I’ve decided to rework my reviews to specifically focus on MarioMario54321 videos and I’m dubbing it as the MarioMario54321 Review Marathon.

This is going to be the series where I watch and sometimes make fun of MarioMario54321’s videos, though I do sincerely enjoy a good portion of them as well. From a young teenager who had nothing but Super Mario 64 and a bunch of color codes, I think it’s rather admirable what he was able to do. It’s not the most quality series, sure, but there is one element that I think helps differentiate him from a lot of the crowd. And that’s simply due to the fact that he has charm in his videos. An innocent sort of charm that makes modern attempts at filmmaking look absolutely lifeless in comparison. The shoddy quality actually sort of adds to the charm. Heck, if it weren’t for him, the Death Trapper Chronicles or anything I did probably wouldn’t exist.

But I’m not just here to praise this guy, I’m also here to nitpick him. A lot. Because nitpicking is my hobby as a person. So, let’s sit back and roast or praise a man who most certainly isn’t all too important, but still holds a rather special place on the internet. This is...the MarioMario54321 Review Marathon!

On a quick side note, quite a majority of these videos have been taken down by YouTube at some point thanks to musical copyright issues. So, yeah, this guy’s another victim of the YouTube algorithm madness. I’ll try to review the original versions if they exist on Google Drive, but if that’s not an option I’ll try not to point out missing music.

Also, watch the video first using the link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOnX23GKfUs&list=PLNPi6H0sXYaCHQG4Br4q5yZJp8uxhid2B&index=1

The Main Video:

We’ll be starting with his first video, aptly titled ‘Mario Jumps the Castle!’. Here we go guys, the first video he's ever done. And automatically you’ll notice that when we start this video, we’re dealing with Window Movie Maker’s blue screen. Yeah, the editing software definitely seems like early YTP levels, but for 2007 that was sort of all they had. So, I won’t point out much of it. What I will point out, however, is MM referring to this as a ‘Bloopers’. Bloopers would indicate that this sort of video is a mistake compilation of Super Mario 64. But as you will quickly see, this is more of an adventure than it is a Blooper compilation. So, we’re already in confusing territory here.

The first thing we see in this video is Mario already declaring that it’s a beautiful day, like any casual protagonist...wait never mind, he misspelled beautiful as ‘beatfitiful’, I guess it’s not as generic as I thought.

Also, yeah, this is off to a good start isn’t it? We’re only one sentence in and Mario has already misspelled a word. Don’t worry, MM doesn’t do this...often.

So Mario decides randomly that he’s going to jump the castle today. This would be impossible normally, but you are underestimating this plumber’s abilities. For you see, Mario has somehow gained the power of the unlimited jump. This is referred to as the ‘Moon Jump’, no doubt named from gravity being lowered. In reality, though, this is an infinite jump where Mario can just hover himself up and down infinitely without touching the ground. Basically, if Mario had this ability, he could just bypass any Mario game in literal minutes. It’s so useful that Bowser would be out of his job in about a year, that’s how useful this power would be.

So, with Mario having the godly ability of an infinite jump, surely it would take about just one attempt to jump the castle, right? ...Well, we’re treated to a montage of jumps that Mario makes. And apparently we’re getting a retro Mario for this montage, because Mario was just feeling old those past days. So in his first attempt he fails (and says the phrase ‘EXTREME PAIN!’, something I could never imagine hearing out of Mario’s mouth). This lands him in a room where he’s supposed to be inside the castle but not really…? It’s like a black room of nothing, inside the castle but not really inside it. Interestingly, he also bypasses the wall of the castle with the wall still intact. We’re not even a minute in and MM has already broken the laws of physics.

Okay, so we’ve broken gravity, broken space and we’re in the void space of the castle that exists but really shouldn’t. At least this is in the first minute so that we’re setting up that physics has no place in this series, right? That’s good right? Anyways, Mario somehow escapes the void and ends up on a second attempt...which makes him impaled on the flagpole...right on his crotch.

All I can say is OUCH! Also, the flagpole happens so often that I’m making a counter for it. Flagpole Count: 1.

So after Mario loses his...private lower area to a spike, we skip to attempt #776 which...wait how? He was halfway there the second attempt, surely he could have crossed the castle at most on attempt five right? Right?

Ah whatever, it looks like attempt 3 anyways since the footage was obviously taken after attempt 2 (notice the health and lives). The third attempt, Mario ends up hitting an invisible wall and falling to the castle roof. He finally dies from the fall, but since death means nothing in the world of Mario he’s brought back to life.

This...raises a lot of questions actually. If there’s an invisible barrier guarding the backyard, why doesn’t Peach use this to defend herself? I know this is a limit because of game limitations but in-canon, this would be a pretty useful weapon. But, I digress, it’s time for attempt four...I mean attempt seven hundred and seventy-seven. We’re choosing that number because 7 is luck...although I don’t know why we didn’t use 7 or 77 instead. Also for this latest attempt (in the present day) Mario somehow got PTSD and reverted back to retro colors. Poor guy must have remembered his lower crotch got impaled.

So on this last lucky attempt, Mario defies invisible barrier physics and manages to get to the courtyard. Well, the camera cheats by cutting obviously but screw it let’s have some suspension of disbelief. So Mario finally became the very best like no one ever was and jumped Peach’s property. Since it’s Peach I’m certain she won’t sue him for jumping her entire castle, especially since somehow he didn’t break anything. In reward for this feat, some random voice congratulates him for beating the first person who…

...Wait…

...What…?

Mario wasn’t the first one to jump the castle? It says he beat the first person to jump the castle, not be! (A typo, yes, but bear with me here). So who jumped the castle first? And who the hell took more than 777 attempts to do so? I need these questions answered, darnit! Unfortunately, that crucial information isn’t told, since the voice grants Mario the ability to walk on lava. This probably killed the first guy since I can almost confirm for you that he was using that ability right when Mario got it. Also, Mario seems really thrilled for this ability, but I dunno the Moon Jump seems more useful than lava immunity. There’s a warning that this voice tries to give out, but he just gives up since Mario ran off. I know the feeling, random voice.

So, passing by MIPS for his one line, Mario does the first thing that we’d expect him to do: immediately risk his life by going to Lethal Lava Land, the one area completely filled to the brim with lava. This somehow gives him his normal look back, and he even dives headfirst into the lava to test this out!

Like, um, Mario, perhaps you’d like to dip your feet in first maybe instead of jumping right into the middle? No? Luckily for him he doesn’t burn into a crisp but instead can actually stand on it. And considering there were already Boos in the courtyard, I think it’s about time to call Luigi in for spirit busting.

So, with this miraculous ability, Mario celebrates by putting on Scatman music! ...yeah it seems like a random artist at first, but trust me, Scatman is super common for this universe. So much that I need to start a Scatman counter already. Scatman Counter: 1. So, after about a minute of groovy Scatman music, Mario jumps into a volcano and is somewhat trapped. He ‘fells’ the lava there and tries to go up a lavafall, only to get butt burns. This is apparently the warning that the voice was trying to give, which...yeah I guess is a good warning. But this downside kind of isn’t all that bad, not when you can walk on most other lava surfaces. Plus, it would have still damaged him beforehand, so really this is more like a cautionary asterisk than a downside.

So then Mario attempts to escape (also note: the music here overlaps Lethal Lava Land’s music with a Bomberman 64 tune...a bit choppy. Also for Bomberman, remember him, he’ll appear a lot later). The lava can apparently break his fall, meaning it’s automatically a better surface for Mario than solid ground. After an attempt, he manages to escape, then wanders to find a wing cap. Apparently the volcano’s ashes managed to blind his eyes because he outright not only walks past the Wing Cap box and remains on the island, but he also stays underneath it for a short while.

Yeah, he got blinded. Luckily the ash goes away somehow and he takes the cap, flying off into the sunset instead of logically just opening up the menu and exiting. The credits play, with MM promising to make more. “Just you wait!” He says as well. Despite sounding like a villain’s line, this will prove to be very true. Very, very true.

So, in summary, this video is a basic intro into what to expect from MM54321. We’ve got broken physics, character voices and a rather interesting plot for what would happen if Mario jumped the castle. As simplistic as it may be, it is a question worth seeing answered once it’s brought up. And I feel it’s a classic in that right, even with the misspellings and fourth wall breakings. Also don’t get used to the retro look, that just about never appears again.

The Extra Bonus Stuff:

For the extra section I’ll count the number of lines each character speaks for fun, just to see who gets the most screen time in these things.

Mario - 40 lines [87%] (which is expected, he’s the main protagonist after all.)

That one guy who was the voice of the fountain (not Luigi, you L is Real fanatics) - 5 lines [11%] (More minor, but expected since he literally is just a voice)

MIPS - 1 line [2%] (Yeah he just got a hi and that’s it, lucky MIPS though he got to be in this before Luigi).

Total Amount of Lines: 46

And now, for my newest section: The biggest Chad/biggest Loser awards. Basically, these are the awards for the best and worst character of each video. The rule is I have to include someone who actually appears in the video, though I will mention honorable non-video mentions.

Biggest Chad: Mario - What can I say, the guy figured out how to pass through matter, infinite jump and walk on lava in this universe. He’s already way better off than his canon counterpart and the biggest winner by default.

Biggest Loser: MIPS - By default, because MIPS only got one passing line. I would put Luigi here if he appeared through since MIPS got to be in this before him.

And finally, my favorite quote from each video as well as who said it:

Favorite Quote: "THAT COULD NOT HURT MORE!!" - Mario (The painful remark he makes when his manhood is flagpoled.)

My next review will partake in a video that will no doubt make you never see Mario the same way ever again, the first ever Mario Kart 64 Bloopers that MM54321 will ever do! Join me next time for that exciting review.