User blog:WikiSchm2000/The MarioMario54321 Review Marathon - Part 11

'''The Top 10 Worst Things that could happen to you in Paper Mario 1! (October 12, 2007) [Runtime: 6:07]'''

Prelude:

And the new award for the latest we’ve had to wait for a MarioMario54321 video goes to...this one! Being finished a month after the last one (which I was not expecting to be honest, I thought 2007-2008 was way more productive), the video has to have quite a bit of effort put in to justify that wait, right? Well I don’t think Paper Mario 64 is that long of a game to warrant that much time taken, it probably could have taken two weeks at most. I have a theory on why it really took a month, but we’ll get to that near Part 50.

So since this is the first Paper Mario 64 video I’ll start off by saying this is not the most easy game to make videos off of. Given the limited RPG mechanics and enemies there’s not much in creative stories that can be told through this medium. Fortunately for us, though, MM has opted to instead make a top 10 video of the worst things that could possibly happen to you in the game. I’m not an expert on it myself so I guess we’ll see how accurate this list is once we watch it. This has a lot of dislikes too because I imagine some RPG fans accidentally found this and didn’t find this to be their cup of tea, which is perfectly reasonable. Hopefully that won’t denote the quality of...well actually it probably does.

Because unknown to you right now, this is not a simple top ten of the worst things that could happen to Mario. But also it contains some of his most despicable crimes, some that even the greatest of defenders will not be able to defend him for. What are these horrendous offenses, you may ask? Well let’s get going! (Also the swearing starts here, so people under 13 stop your reading of the series here. Yeah the events of this video are that bad.)

See this video first though: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq41-OPXSbM&list=PLNPi6H0sXYaCHQG4Br4q5yZJp8uxhid2B&index=11

The Main Video:

We start the video with a brand new intro sequence, about four videos after the last one debuted. I must say that I’m not a fan of it considering a neon effect’s been placed over it and it’s showing similar footage from the last one. I don’t see why it needed to be replaced honestly, the previous one was fine. After that neon introduction we get our countdown, starting from number 10. I’m just going to separate this by numbers to make reading quite a bit easier on you. Also, at the end of each and every one of these there’s an image of Mario’s paper sprite plastered onto a white background with a signature red text ‘NO!’ displayed. This is perhaps one of the most iconic images in my mind of this universe so don’t forget it.


 * 1) 10 -

We start with Mario getting hit by the first strike from an enemy. It’s a standard one but it does suck every time that it happens, so I can get why this is here. Nothing too outstanding yet.


 * 1) 9 -

Failing one of Chuck Quizmo’s quizzes. I know that winning them gets you a Star Piece and those could be valuable in the game, so I’d get why this would be a failure too. Don’t know how Mario forgot the name of Goombario’s sister though...wait yes I do. He deliberately forgot it because he’s racist towards Goombas of course! How could I forget! #GoombaLivesMatter.


 * 1) 8 -

An encounter with Tubba Blubba. Again makes sense considering this is a scripted invincible enemy.


 * 1) 7 -

Peach deliberately tells Bowser actual dangerous ways to try and stop Mario in his tracks instead of helping Mario. Yeah that’s a good way for the player to screw themselves over, but also I choose to take this as Peach using Bowser as a means to try and get rid of Mario. Considering what he’s done so far (and what he’s about to do), I don’t blame her strategizing with her enemy just to get rid of him. In fact for the first time I might be rooting for Peach and Bowser here, clearly they know what has to be done.


 * 1) 6 -

Mario ends up encountering a Sushie clone...um, okay? That’s it? I mean it shows that Mario’s cheating and getting a partner early, which of course it’s a bad thing. But it’s not a bad thing happening to the player, so why is it here? I mean unless it crashes the game, then it could count as a bad thing I guess.


 * 1) 5 -

Mario ends up encountering Lakilester and is asked to forgive him by his girlfriend Lakilulu. Right away Mario doesn’t want the clone to join as it would cause glitches...okay so #6 actually had some justification I guess. Maybe? Experts out there you tell me if it counts or not. So anyways, Mario refuses to forgive him and gets pelted with numerous spiked balls for his efforts. Those spiky balls are no doubt causing brain trauma and puncturing the vital parts of his head by the way, but Mario’s dead-set on not ripping the time-space continuum in clean half.

Once he gets pelted enough though, predictably he loses his patience and straight up murders her with firepower. Which...hum...um...okay to be fair she did hurt him back with really, really painful tools. But at that point she was more trying to break up a fight to save her boyfriend than to let Mario finish him off in-story, and based on the choices if we ignore game rules for a second Mario could have still forgiven Lakilester and let him be instead of having him join. Oh it’s a tough choice to say if Mario has a justifiable excuse or not…

...eh it’s a better excuse than the sign or having his cap stolen, at least here he was physically assaulted. Granted that physical assault was in retaliation to his behavior, but still there’s more reason behind this than the others. But on the other hand the other victims were jerks whereas this one had way better intentions, so I guess it balances out a bit. So after Mario ends up blowing her to pieces, the clone ends up killing Mario with a similar amount of firepower...wait but why didn’t Mario fight back? Oh right because he probably didn’t expect random civilians to be packing that much firepower, that’s right. Well now he should be prepared so that this exact situation doesn’t happen later, right?

Also I’ve been requested to start a Mario death counter (including his death from jumping the castle, his death from Secret of the Waterfall and his death from his dream sequence) so… Mario Death Counter: 4.


 * 1) 4 -

Oh boy, this one… Remember when I said earlier back in the second part that this was the ‘Morally Questionable Mario Era?’, later rebranded to ‘Morally Awful Mario Era?’. This is it. The peak. The foundation of exactly why I’ve branded this era as such. Mario ignores Chuck Quizmo and decides to get a key under some ice in a frozen lake at a penguin town. Since there’s no doubt people wanting to ice-skate there, the watchman of course tells Mario to get out of the property, and when Mario refuses the Watchman outright drags Mario off and kicks him out of town to preserve the ice rink as much as he can.

And to be fair, there’s nothing at all wrong with that. Unlike the other examples on this list the Watchman isn’t doing this for any sort of laughs or revenge and doesn’t really use too lethal of force on the guy. He’s basically just doing his job and teaching him a lesson for trying to disrupt public property. He would treat literally anyone like this if they were doing that to that rink and quite frankly by community standards Mario’s 100% in the wrong for trying to break it. If he really needed that key down there he should have gone to government officials instead, they’d probably allow Mario to break it if compensation were afforded. And since he’s Mario I don’t think they’d complain about doing it.

But instead of being sensible and going to the authorities to solve his issues, he tries doing it manually anyway without any permission! So Mario’s just committed a crime and could very well be jailed for that. In fact I think a boot out’s pretty merciful for what he did. So, after all of that, how does he respond to this? Take a wild guess…

...yeah he murders the Penguin Watchman in cold blood. Let me repeat that. He murders the Watchman for basically doing his JOB. You absolutely CANNOT argue that Mario is a hero after this, you actually can’t! The Watchman literally did nothing wrong here. If that key was needed to save Peach or something there’s still no excuse because Mario should have still been the responsible one to take this to the proper government officials! But no, he decides to not only break the ice illegally for whatever reason but also to murder the poor guy watching over it in cold blood.

Well glad to know Mario’s permanently ruined now. Like no seriously you ruined Mario so completely and utterly that I’m baffled. I know another famous Super Mario 64 machinist named SuperMarioGlitchy4 made Mario dumb and all, but he didn’t make Mario pure evil incarnate! This is actually unacceptable, and I will never forget what you’ve done to him. You turned the symbol of joy and hero of the Mushroom Kingdom into an unhinged delusional plumber who kills at the mere slightest inconvenience he receives. It just sucks that I can’t root for the main characters of this whole series!

I can’t root for Mario because he’s the main antagonist (yes he’s THAT BAD now), I can’t root for MM because he’s the greater-scope villain behind all of this, I can’t root for Luigi because he’s so pathetic and stupid, and I can’t root for Peach because she’s never there! Lakitu’s the only one I have any ounce of sympathy left for, and he barely talks in any of these videos! At this point the Monkey is garnering more sympathy from me right now. And at this point I’m just accepting that Oiram is somehow the main protagonist of this series because I have to choose someone, right? He’s pathetic, yeah but he’s trying to kill off the worst living being currently in this universe, and I have to have nothing but respect for him for doing that.

Anyways yeah, point is this is the ‘Morally Awful Mario Era’ for a reason. Because it is impossible to root for Mario in this era. Also apparently this counts as a bad thing that can happen to Mario which...no, it doesn’t! Getting thrown out of a rink was not the worst thing that could have happened, it shouldn’t be above the previous ones either! That was his own bloody fault, if anything this was the worst thing that ever happened in that poor Penguin Watchman’s life!

R.I.P. Penguin Watchman, you will not be forgotten.


 * 1) 3 -

Mario, like the piece of shit that he is, calls the watchman evil before proceeding to complete his crime of breaking the ice. You have NO right to be saying that or calling him evil. Your ass should be in a prison cell after what you’ve done to that poor man, you shouldn’t even be in the Princess’s good graces after what you’ve done! Once he breaks the ice, a Penguin guard then blocks off Mario, informing him that the police will be arriving and gunning him down with Megaton lasers.

All I have to say is... YES. He deserved to get blown to bloody shreds, so thanks a lot to the police force of this city! You made your lost boy proud! In fact could you guys be the main protagonists instead of this abomination of a so-called hero? I’d root so hard for you every single episode as you bust cretins like him. Although I’m concerned this town has cops that casually have megaton lasers in their arsenal. That’s tech rivalling Sci-Fi characters in firepower, how have they not conquered the kingdom with this tech yet? I actually think it would be a better place if they took over actually. Although with Peach working with Bowser in private I guess she’s trying her hardest to get rid of him too, so I guess don’t overthrow Peach? Maybe? Mario Death Count: 5.


 * 1) 2 -

Mario ends up guessing wrong at the Stone Bowser head’s game three times and has to fight three Anti-Guys as punishment. Apparently these are strong guys and I’m willing to bet Peach requested for them as a means to murder Mario. Don’t care about him at this point, he deserves it or whatever. Next please.


 * 1) 1 -

Mario ends up dying to Bowser with the Star Rod, no doubt given to him by Peach as a means of finishing off Mario. Good that they’re working together now to stop him. Mario Death Count: 6. With that, the video ends, with Mario blaming MM for all the suffering he’s been through. MM saves himself by pointing out Bowser, who by this point doesn’t suspect Mario being alive and probably put the Star Rod down for a nice coffee break. This allows Mario to completely murder the Koopa with firepower, and honestly I’m just sad to see Bowser go. I don’t think he did much wrong in this series, heck not even kidnapping Peach is that major anymore compared to the horrors Mario has done.

And that’s the top ten. Out of them only like six of them could be considered the true worst things to happen, two of them based on glitches I don’t know about, and two definitely aren’t. So it’s more of a top six (maybe eight) worst things that could happen. It’s a short list that doesn’t have a lot of edits, but it’s bad for utterly murdering Mario’s character in the #4 of this video. I am now looking forward to when the Penguins are taking over as his replacement...oh wait that’s not going to happen? ...crap...

The Extra Bonus Stuff:

No I’m not counting in-game dialogue as lines, just additional lines that MM himself added.

Mario - 37 lines [90%] (Well all the bad things happened to him, so of course he would have the most lines)

Bombette - 0 lines (Oh you were there I guess)

Bullet Bill Enemies - 0 lines (They hit Mario, good for them)

Chuck Quizmo - 1 line [2%] (Quiz show guy who told Mario off, good for him I guess)

Tubba Blubba - 0 lines (So if Mario can’t beat him with his heart intact that must mean he’s stronger than Oiram. So why isn’t he the main antagonist?)

Bow - 0 lines (She got to slap Tubba Blubba but that’s about it)

Peach - 0 lines (Said nothing but was way more of a protagonist than Mario was, that’s for sure)

Bowser - 0 lines (The main protagonist of this video even though he didn’t say anything, I was so sad that he died at the end, but at least he’ll be back.)

Kammy Koopa - 0 lines (Just listened I guess)

Sushie - 0 lines (She flopped around I guess)

Sushie Clone - 0 lines (Glitch masters do your work)

Lakilester - 0 lines (Was just there for the plot to happen)

Lakilester Clone - 1 line [2%] (Yay he killed Mario)

Lakilulu - 0 lines (Takes balls to go up against Mario like that, but ultimately her survival was not meant to be)

Goombario - 0 lines (I bet he’s pissed that Mario forget his sister’s name)

Penguin Watchman - 0 lines (Poor guy...just poor guy.)

Penguin Police Force - 0 lines (They were offscreen but they stole my heart so quickly I don’t care)

Penguin Blocker - 1 line [2%] (Trapped Mario in, what a Chad)

Stone Bowser Head - 0 lines (He was a troll to Mario I guess)

Anti-Guys - 0 lines. (Hope they killed Mario in that fight)

MarioMario54321 - 1 line. [2%] (It’s your fault Mario turned to the Dark Side, you should be ashamed.)

Total Lines: 41 lines

Biggest Chad: The Penguin Watchman - The guy did his job up until the very end, even when he was up against a mass murderer psychopath like Mario. That takes so much dedication to your job. And to spare Mario instead of blasting him to shreds because of his crime shows so much maturity and restraint. Yeah he died for doing it, but I’m rewarding this to him instead of to the Penguin Blocker or his fellow Police or to the others that gave Mario trouble. And to capsize all of it I’m giving him a MEDAL OF HONOR for his service too, something that I will probably never do again for any Biggest Chad in this series. Godspeed, Penguin Watchman, may you rest in Heaven for your services.

Biggest Loser: Mario - You. Fucking Deserve. It. In fact I'm giving him a MEDAL OF DISHONOR for what he's done, absolutely unforgiveable.

Favorite Quote: "The police of this city will now kill you. They have megation lasers." - Penguin Blocking Chad. (Perhaps the most badass line said so far, and super fitting for someone as rotten and despicable as Mario. To be fair though the 'Revenge is bad' line came close.)

And that’s just about one of Mario’s lowest points in his entire career taken care of. Next time we’ll be taking a look at another of his lowest in Lavender Town!